Only The Curious

Okay, I’m stepping away from the goal-setting posts for awhile. I’ve been waiting to write until I accomplished something I had said I was going to, but I haven’t accomplished any of the goals I set.

I feel lame that I wrote about my goals, and how important goal setting is, and then didn’t do any of them. But sometimes life just gets in the way. Because goals were the big focus of my last few posts, it became very easy to procrastinate and just not write at all, because “I’ll write next week, once I’ve started following through.”

Now another month has passed, and setting those goals has actually gotten in the way of my writing.

Sometimes when you hit a tough spot, the best thing to do is to set it aside. Instead of trying to push the boulder out of your path, just go around it.

I remember struggling with this in college, when I was taking theater courses. We would all lament that inspiration cannot be forced and would panic when a project was due and the creative juices weren’t flowing. We couldn’t show up to class and say “I wasn’t feeling inspired.” We had to come up with something. So I’m not saying that it’s not about giving up altogether, but finding a different way to go about it.

So I’m going around the goals for the time being, though I guess you could say that my goal is simply to start posting regularly again. And I think that’s enough for now.

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It’s been nearly a month since I last blogged. This is, in part, not my fault. No, I’m not trying to place blame anywhere. But I haven’t had much access to internet, and have found the times I’ve been inspired to write failing to coincide with times I have access to a computer and an internet connection.

That being said, no excuses. It’s the beginning of October, so it’s time for another round of goal setting. Why goal setting? Because of Rebecca Thorman and her monthly goal meetup. I love this idea, because it’s easier to stay motivated and dedicated when you’re not doing it alone. There’s a whole community of bloggers who are posting their goals every month and following up on them. It helps us to stay on track. I’d feel lame if I just stopped participating.

An important part of goal-setting, however, is following up on your goals to review what you accomplished, what you still need to do, and what you could do better the next time. After all, talking is the easy part. And there’s always something to learn from your experiences. So, here were my goals for September and how they went:

1. Get a job in Colorado

Check! AND it’s a good job. One that I want. And like. And now I can stay in Colorado and not run out of money. Hooray!
2. Get an apartment near said job

Also managed. I will admit, there was some luck to both of these first two. BUT there were also hours upon hours of research, sorting through craigslist, making calls, and just staying on task until I found what I was looking for.
3. Start soliciting freelance work again

Okay, I haven’t gotten to this, for very much the same reasons I haven’t been blogging. But I will.
4. Get back into exercising at least 3x/week

I’ve had some special challenges with this one in the form of a knee injury. But I have been playing ultimate and getting to the gym once a week, so I just need to fit in one more class each week and I’m good to go.
5. Start playing my guitar again (it’s been over a month!)

Ugh. Challenges here, too. I broke a string the first time I tried to tune up my guitar, and have been afraid to touch it since. Though I did get the string replaced…

So I’d say I made it to 2.5 out of 5. Halfway there. Not bad, but not great. Always room for improvement.  Which brings me to my October Goals:

1. To accomplish all of my goals, not just half of them. (Is it cheating to have a goal of accomplishing your goals?)

2. To play my guitar at least once a week.

3. To ACTUALLY get exercise 3x a week.

4. To write at least one article and/or solicit at least one writing job.

5. To begin the research and planning for the publicity consulting business I’d like to do to help fellow entrepreneurs. Since this goal is hard to measure, I’m going to decide that I’m successful if I’ve got written down the services I want to offer, how I will market them, and what I will charge for them. Because in order to be achievable, goals need specific, measurable results.
So there it is. I’ll let you know how it goes!

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My brother and I were enrolled in a martial arts program as kids. It did a lot of great things for us, but I think the most important part of it for me was learning how to set goals. Because we were always working toward earning a black belt with many levels in-between, we were constantly thinking in terms of both long- and short-term goals. Not to mention the books we had to read and essays we had to write prior to our black belt test.

Goals are something I didn’t realize the value of until fairly recently. I was talking with a friend who had never really thought about setting goals; nobody had ever encouraged him to do anything more than just whatever made him happy. While I’m not discrediting this (I often find myself admiring the Zen-ness of the way he directs his life) I have seen him struggle to make decisions about his life.

Whenever I have a difficult decision to make, (which is often, because as an ENFP, I see just about every option available to me in every situation) I find that the best way to make the decision is to work backwards. But this only works if you have an endpoint to work from. When you know where you’re trying to go, figuring out the best way to get there is easy. It’s when you don’t know the destination that choosing a route becomes impossible.

Goals keep us on track. It can be easy to get distracted, and while it’s always good to remain open and try new things, if I have a goal in mind, it’s easy to see which option moves in the direction of my goal, which ones are neutral, and which ones run in direct opposition.

I was inspired to write this post thanks to my friend Rebecca Thorman (author of Modite), who put out a challenge to fellow bloggers recently to participate in a monthly goal meet-up. The idea is that each month we post our personal and career goals on our blogs, to help one another with setting and achieving said goals.

Last month I achieved one of my longest-standing goals, which was to move out to Colorado. Because of all the changes this inevitably brings, I feel like I’m cheating a little bit in setting some of my goals for September, but here they are:

1. Get a job in Colorado
2. Get an apartment near said job
3. Start soliciting freelance work again
4. Get back into exercising at least 3x/week
5. Start playing my guitar again (it’s been over a month!)

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I finally got the videos and pictures from my move and first week in town up. The videos are in two parts; the first is from the actual drive out and the second is from the sightseeing Leah and I did the first weekend I was here. Enjoy!

Moving out to Colorado:

Sightseeing in Colorado:

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I’ve officially been in Colorado for a week. It’s beautiful, and I’ve enjoyed driving around, trying to get a feel for where everything is and what all is here. Yet somehow I thought it would feel more radically different than it does. Really, it just feels like my life,  with fewer commitments and better scenery. As excited as I am to have finally moved, the momentum seems to have slowed. I’m finally here! Now what?

One of my mother’s favorite adages is “wherever you go, you take yourself with you.” The external things changing doesn’t make the internal things change; really, it works the other way around. Problems, habits, ways of thinking and doing things don’t just shift overnight. These are things we have to do deliberately, from the inside out. And usually, no matter where we are or who we’re around, we’ll end up making a lot of the same choices time and time again.

Still, part of the point of moving was to instigate change. To shed the parts of me or my lifestyle that weren’t serving me anymore, and to expand into trying/being/doing new things. So I’m trying to be conscientious about every commitment I make, thinking “is this still how I want to do things? Is there a reason I want to do it this way instead of trying another way? How could it be done another way? What would it feel like if it were?”

I do want things to be exciting and new and different, and yet, I really liked my life in Madison, so a lot of the choices I make may be pretty much the same.  Of course, it’s also rather early in this whole process, and because I’ve been focusing on finding work and trying not to spend money, I haven’t really gotten out and experienced a lot of my new surroundings yet, either. Even the ones I have gotten out to are the ones I know and have seen before, and all the people I’ve been seeing are the ones I already know. In fact, today will be the first day I go out and meet some new folks.

I’m sure this will be like so many things – finding a balance of old and new, exciting and different alongside that which is comforting and reminds me of home. I look forward to exploring it and continuing to share the journey.

Speaking of which, pictures and video from my first week will be up soon. They’re all edited, I just need to get them posted!

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I write this post from a point of equilibrium – halfway between things. We’re almost exactly half of the way from Madison to Boulder, in Lincoln, NE where some friends have been so generous as to put Leah and I up for the night. So often our outside circumstances reflect our inner ones, and at the moment I’m feeling very neutral.

Leaving was hard. I knew I’d be sad, but I expected it to be more bittersweet than melancholy. I cried a lot, especially when watching my mother and then Ian shrink in my rearview mirror. The weight of those emotions only started to lift about 6 hours into the trip, as we watched the spectacular light show that the thunderstorms on the horizon put on for us. When you see something that massive and powerful and beautiful, you are reminded that your own life is but one small piece of so much more.

I had pictured my departure in my head like a scene from a movie – my closest friends and family in the driveway, all waving goodbye as I pulled away, music blaring, thrilled for my grand adventure. While I knew this wasn’t quite realistic – it was a workday, after all – I wasn’t quite prepared for the drawn out process of saying goodbye to people individually and doing so hours and hours before my departure. Many people I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye to; last time I saw them I didn’t realize I wouldn’t be seeing them again. Pulling away from Ian’s apartment with him standing alone in the parking lot, waving until after I was out of sight was just painful and sad. Not the celebrated exit I had mentally prepared myself for.

When we finally left Madison, it was nearly 3 p.m., hours later than I’d planned. It was overcast and threatening rain, and the last place I set foot in Wisconsin was at the Supertarget, where we bought a cooler bag and a bottle of wine for our overnight hosts. It was weird. But Leah did take some video which made it feel more official and important.

And then we just started driving West. Infrequent downpours slowed us throughout Eastern Iowa; once it was so dense we had to pull over and wait it out. We listened to “The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and noted funny names (Middle Raccoon and North Skunk rivers) and pulled out the videocamera each time we hit some kind of landmark. At 9:00 p.m. we were hungry and desperately hoping to find a place that would still serve us food; we nearly fell to our knees and bowed down in the parking lot of a Subway somewhere East of Council Bluffs.

Though I was exhausted last night, I can’t say I slept soundly. It’s always odd being in a place with unfamiliar sounds and smells, and that combined with anxiety and excitement pulled me in and out of waking consciousness all night. I am finally starting to feel excited this morning though. We’ll be in Colorado TODAY! It feels so surreal. But I suppose that’s how it is when you’re finally doing something you’ve talked about for so long, you weren’t even sure you believed yourself anymore.

As I move more into wakefulness this morning, the anxiety lingers and sadness about everyone I’m leaving behind still colors my thoughts, but joy and excitement are beginning to flood in.

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Okay, so I’m moving. In a week. This is something I’ve dreamed of doing for years and years and now it’s a week away and I barely feel like it’s even happening, except that I’m all nervous and weird about it so I know something important is happening. I had always pictured this week as being a joyride of looking forward to leaving, getting ready, everything like that. But at the moment I’m mostly in denial and eating copious amounts of ice cream.

It’s not that I’m not excited – I am. How could I not be? I’m fulfilling a life-long dream. I’ve even got a few things lined up and happening out there, so it’s getting more and more real by the day. I guess the joy of it just hasn’t quite hit me yet. I keep saying it probably won’t until I’ve been there long enough to realize that I’m there, and I’m not on vacation.

I guess I didn’t think I would be so sad. In the past, the times when I most intensely thought about moving were usually the times when things weren’t going well – when I felt a lack of friends, I had just been laid off or a relationship had just ended, or all of those at once. But that’s not the case now.

I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. I love my family. And they’re all here.

But I feel like it’s better to be leaving on good terms. I’ll always have all of those things to come back to. And I’m going to Colorado to pursue something, rather than to run away from things.

I’m glad I’m doing it now, though. Two years ago I would’ve left and not looked back. A year from now and those attachments that are making me sad to leave now might stop me in my tracks completely.

Things happen in their perfect time. And mine seems to be NOW.

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I’m moving to Colorado.
The following is a re-post from my other blog about my upcoming move to Colorado, originally posted on 5/27/09.

Anyone who has known me at any point over the last 12 years has heard me say this about a bajillion times. But this time, I mean it. For reals.

I’m moving to Colorado in August.

The first question everyone I tell about my move asks me is: “what are you going to do in Colorado?” It is, after all, the most sensible and polite question to ask.

I usually respond with a blank look while my internal monologue does the following: “I have no idea. I have no idea what I am going to do in Colorado. What am I going to do? What am I going to say to this person? Quick brain, come up with SOMETHING!” Unfortunately, I think my blank look comes across as “why are you asking me such a stupid question?” Which I feel bad about, because I don’t want to make people feel bad for asking me questions, even if they are stupid. Really it’s more that because I don’t have a good answer for the question, I hate it when people ask that. Which they do. Every time.

So now my response, accompanied by said blank stare, is “um, live there.”

Which, of course, gets followed up by more questions I don’t really have answers to:

“Well do you have a job lined up or anything?”

Most sensible people do not pick up and move across the country if it’s not for a job or a great love or family. I am leaving my family and my great love (more about that in a minute) and I don’t have a job lined up; I don’t even know what kind of job I want.

Part of me is really hoping to find a full-time job with an innovative company where I can make a decent paycheck and have health insurance and work with people and occasionally do interesting, creative things. The other part of me wants to “wing it” as a freelancer or start my own business as an event planner, so that I can still travel all the time, because now I will have 3 cities I want to visit all of the time instead of one. But that’s a terrible idea, because Boulder is way more expensive than Madison and I’m not making my living as a freelancer now.

So I’ve settled on setting an intention for whatever would be best for me to show up. I’m going to go out there and just see what happens. I can always serve coffee or do massages if I need to stretch my savings until Mr. Right in job form comes along.

Now befuddled at my apparently random decision making process, the person asks “so why are you going to Colorado?”

I grew up in Colorado, and I decided the day I left that someday I’d go back. So it’s just this ingrained psychological thing about returning home, even though Madison feels way more like home at this point. In some ways, I need to go just so I can cross it off my “life list” and get on to whatever I want to do next.

But the important part isn’t that I’m going to Colorado, it’s that I’m going. The best reasons I can give are that I am moving because I am 27 and not married and have no real reason not to.

I will concede that I have plenty of reasons to stay. My family’s here. Ian’s here. Madison is a fabulous place to live. I have a lot of friends I really care about, and my local professional network is pretty solid. I often wish I could just be happy to stay here and get married and start my own business. It would be great.

But as Ian said once, staying would slowly kill me from the inside. I need to go do this just because I’ve always wanted to, and I would always wonder what would’ve happened if I’d done it. And I do not want to be one of those senior citizens who says “oh I wish I’d done that when I was your age, but then I got married…”

Speaking of marriage, the last question they ask is “So is Ian going with you?”

I am always caught off-guard by this one, just because I’m surprised at how many people know that I’m in a relationship, that it’s a serious relationship, and that they care about my business that much. And I know that they care, because they are usually devastated when I say “no.”

This is followed up by a lengthy explanation about how Ian’s not coming with me because I have always wanted to just go and strike it out on my own and he loves me enough not to deprive me of that. More to the point, he and I have been together for two years and we’re really happy and we’ve talked about getting married and while everyone else in the world thinks this is exactly why I should plant myself here and marry him, I think that means it’s the perfect time for us to be apart for a bit. I don’t want to get married because I happened to be in a good relationship around the time that most people get married. I want to get married because I go to Colorado and I date other people and I realize I can’t possibly live without him.

Or its possible that I get out there and realize I can live without him and then I will have avoided marrying someone I’m later going to leave because I’m still wondering what would’ve happened if I’d gone to Colorado and if I was supposed to meet someone there instead.

You know, pretending there’s “the one” and that romance is fated and all that stuff that I don’t really belive in but romanticize anyway.

But back to the point:  I’m moving to Colorado. In August. To live there. No, I don’t have a job lined up, and I don’t know what kind of job I’m looking for, if any. Ian is not coming with me. Yes, I will miss you all. I promise to visit. And yes, you better come visit me because I will be living in the land of awesome.

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I used to have anxiety attacks. All the time.

Walking to class, talking on the phone with my mother, sitting alone in my dorm room, I’d be thinking about my day, or my plans, or my life, and it would crash over me like a wave. My hands would sweat, my stomach would feel knotted, I’d get lightheaded.

There were lots of reasons for this anxiety. But I think it really came down to one thing: I wasn’t living my life the way I wanted it.

I wasn’t living my life the way I wanted it, because I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know myself well. I had lived most of my life doing what other people had told me to, assuming the great mystery of why would reveal itself at some point.

For the first 23 years of my life I went to school, worked hard, got good grades. I was president of student councils, wrote for school papers, sang in choir and even tried a sport or two. I was working hard to do what everyone told me to.

But I had no idea why, or what I was trying to accomplish. Just this vague concept that if I worked hard and went to a good college and had a solid resume, things would fall into place. I figured that sometime during college I would find something I loved, and that would be my career, and I would be successful at it.

But the great epiphany never came. There was no life-changing professor to steer me in the right direction. There hadn’t even been an advisor with a decent recommendation on hand. People would ask what kind of work I was looking for, and I didn’t have a good answer. I didn’t have any answer.

All I knew was that, now that I had a degree, it was not acceptable to work as a barista indefinitely. And secretly, I also knew that I did not want a traditional office job; something I learned during a fabulous internship my freshman year – I knew that if I hated just interning at what should have been a fantastic place to work, there was no way I’d ever love any office job. But somehow, if I told people that I didn’t want a “real” job, it made overachiever, overambitious me into a slacker in their eyes.

So I job hopped, which I now like to think of as conducting field research into how I like to work. For the first time since I was able to respond to the question “what do you want to do with your life” with “be a ballerina-rockstar-astronaut-anthropologist-writer-butterfly” I have an answer.

It’s taken a lot of introspection. My meditation practice has helped with that immensely. So has doing a lot of reading and writing, attending workshops, and finding like-minded people who are doing what I want to do.

My answer is that I don’t want to do any one thing. I love variety. I like moving around. I like interacting with and helping people. I also like writing. I don’t like limitations. I don’t want to be limited to doing one thing, every day. I don’t want to be limited to staying in one place for 8 hours at a time. And I definitely don’t want to have the number of days I can travel decided for me.

So it has been amazing me to discover the likes of Chris Gillebeau, Lea Woodward, Barbara Winter, and many others who have made it okay to not want a traditional office job. I feel like I’ve “found my lost tribe” as my mother would put it  – people who are their own bosses, who are location independent, who realize that working and living your life shouldn’t be on opposite sides of the coin. People who make their money from lots of different sources, and who value experiences over objects. People who realize that true ambition is living life the way you really want to, rather than putting in your face time and calling it a day.

I look forward to sharing my experiences as I work to transition out of the traditional workforce and into a life of adventure and fulfillment.

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I know people who insist that they can’t use up their vacation days. (I know, right?) They tell me  they have nowhere to go. Or they don’t have anyone to go with. Occasionally they’ll take a day off just because they can. And they end up calling to see if I want to have lunch, because by noon they’re bored of being at home.

To me, this is because they are looking at it from the wrong perspective. They’ve already decided that vacation days need to look a certain way – that they have to have somewhere they want to go, and they have to go there with a specific person (or kind of person.) Rather than exploring the possibilities of what they could do on their own, or other things they could do with their vacation (like volunteer abroad, maybe) they just choose to be bored. And disappointed. And bored.

(Sidenote: Can we PLEASE come up with a system where they can transfer their wasted unused days to people like me, who will use them very, very well?)

Obviously, there are places they could go. Anywhere in the world, really. There are group trips individuals can sign up to go on. Or I bet if they called up grandma and said “hey, let’s hang out in your favorite city for a few days” she’d oblige. But they don’t see these possibilities. From their perspective, there really is no place they want to go, or the only people they’d want to bother traveling with aren’t around.

If they chose to look at it differently, they’d see other possibilities. The world would open up.

So choose how you want to see the world today. Are you going to decide it’s a bad day because it’s not what you wanted, or are you going to be excited to explore something unexpected?

Only the curious have something to find. Are you going to be curious?

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