Only The Curious

To be self-employed or to be an employee, that is the question. It’s a subject that I wrestle with frequently, because I understand the pros and cons of each, and have been on both sides multiple times over the last 5 years. If you look at my resume, you’ll see that I usually have an office job from October through May, and then am freelancing, doing massage, or maybe working part-time in a gourmet kitchen store over the summer. It hasn’t been intentional; several of those lapses were due to layoffs. But it is interesting. The one year that I had a job during the month of May, it took me weeks to figure out why I was so antsy. Then I realized “oh, this is the time of year where I’m usually sitting by the lake with books like “Making a Living Without a Job””

To be honest, my heart lies in the self-employment camp. Unfortunately, my need to pay for things like my car and my health insurance (funny thing happens when you don’t regularly hold an office job: you don’t get benefits. More on that later…) frequently land me back in an office job.

I could write out a list of all the reasons I prefer self-employment, but Everett Bogue did a pretty darn good job of that earlier this week in his post: “27 Reasons You Should Never Have a Job.” I LOVED IT.

The only thing I would add is this: when I tell people I’m self-employed, they’ll often say “oh I could never do that. I need more security. Isn’t it scary not knowing how much you’re going to make every month?” Um, sometimes. Yeah, there are dry months. But you know what scares me more? Knowing I’m only going to make X amount every month. When you’re self-employed, there is endless potential for growth. I don’t have to wait for incremental raises; my salary could double (or more) in a year because one of my income streams takes off. If there’s a trip I really want to go on or something I really want to buy, I just push for a few more clients. Voila, extra money.

Yes, being self-employed is volatile. You need to save more for the down times and it’s important to have supportive friends, family, and/or significant others. But for me, ultimately, the freedom, flexibility, creativity, and potential are overwhelmingly worth it.

That is not to say, however, that I think everyone should be self-employed. It’s not for the risk-averse, or those who need stability. As Matt Cheuvront said today, Don’t Discount the Value of a 9-to-5.

I will admit that, being self-employed, I’ve spent months being broke while trying to build one income stream or another. It’s stressful. It can be lonely. The thing I miss most about having an office job is the social aspect – having co-workers to grab lunch or hit happy hour with. Not to mention brainstorming. And yeah, the stability is nice.

There are reasons for both ways of working. What I think is most important, though, is the mindset you take to your work. You can’t go into business for yourself thinking like an employee, and yet the most successful employees are the ones who go to work thinking like an entrepreneur. More on that tomorrow.

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My Mom is a Myers-Briggs person. By which I mean, she’s certified to give and analyze the Type Indicator test thingy. I don’t know what the official title for such a person is. But she is one. She’s really good at it, too. I’ve learned a lot about type and how to use it in relationships and professional life. It’s really helpful in figuring out how to communicate more effectively, to understand (and therefore avoid) conflict, and why there are some people in the world you just don’t click with.

MBTI helped me make sense of not getting that interview to be a tour guide I had been hoping for. All of the guides I worked with on the Texas trip had a couple of personality traits in common with one another. Ones that I don’t share. So when they said it wasn’t a “right fit,” that’s what they were talking about. Most corporations, companies, and organizations have a certain culture. Some want diversity of types so they have different perspectives. Others want homogeneous types, I guess so that they can expect the same thing of everyone and avoid conflict. Or something. Whatever their reason is, that particular company was looking for homogeneity, and I would’ve rocked their boat.

So I had my month of being bummed out about the fact that I would not be leading cycling tours of Italy this summer. And then I got back on the bike. Or horse. Or…whatever. I kicked through it and am back to figuring out what I’m doing next. Which has meant a lot of reflection and self-evaluation, because I’ve had a lot of periods in my life where I took a job just because, well, I needed a job. The funny thing is, I’ve tended to take jobs that don’t fit with my personality type. At all.

According to the MBTI, I’m an Extrovert, iNtuitive, Feeler, Perceiver. ENFP. Yep. Basically it means I love being around people and am good at communicating with them, I’m creative, I like variety and problem-solving, and I’m very in tune with others around me and concerned with their feelings. I like thinking about the future, about possibilities, and looking at the big-picture. Because of this, I LOVE starting new projects. But I need goals and deadlines, because without them I will just keep jumping from project to project, and may never finish any of them completely. And because I’m big-picture, I need to make a checklist for details, or else I will straight up forget a step, even if it’s a process I go through every day.

One of the keys to personality type is that it can help you figure out your “weaknesses.” But then you have to come up with ways to work with them. Which is why I hate deadlines, but I need them. And why I make lists and write things down, so I don’t forget anything.

A lot of the office jobs I have done in the past loved that I was good with people, great on the phone and jumping in on planning events and running meetings. But they got super annoyed with the errors I would make in, say, a financial report. (Numbers and I are NOT friends.) As I look at job postings right now, I keep seeing the phrase “attention to detail.” I have an ambivalent* relationship with it. I’m GREAT with details when I am, say, planning a party. I will make sure that the food and the music and every last decoration and all have a coordinated theme and it will be seamless. But when I’m doing rote office stuff? Yeah, not so much.

Why do I keep applying for office jobs? Because it’s what’s on my resume. It’s what I know. But I want to do something more than office management.

So I’ve been freelancing. I love that it’s interesting, full of variety, flexible, and I can do it from anywhere. But it can be really hard to motivate, and really easy to procrastinate. Or go start another project. So I need a boss to set deadlines and help me set goals and give me a reason to finish things. Also? I HATE being alone all day. Yes, I’ve gone and worked in coffee shops. Sure, there are people around me there. But I’m not interacting with any of them. So I need co-workers and clients, too. Ones that I go see in person and not just on email and gChat. Oh, and I need an office. Someplace to go. Because if I’m home all day, there’s a guitar, and a workout room, and food I can cook and things I can clean…

I think it’s going to really just come down to finding a balance for me. Either doing some freelancing and working somewhere part-time, or finding a normal day job that still has lots of variety and a little flexibility.

Do you have these struggles? Do you know someone who would like to hire someone like me? Do you need a massage? (’cuz I do that too.)

______

*The word “ambivalent” is often mistaken to mean the same thing as “indifferent.” Ambivalence actually describes more of a love-hate relationship, where you’re always passionate about it, but sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative way. English lesson over.

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Karl* says that my kind of crazy is like my kind of “bad skiing:” totally manageable. Given that he’s already seen me at pretty much my worst (a few times, actually, I’m awesome…) I can only conclude that he is, himself, kind of crazy. Maybe that’s why it’s** working. He started dating me at what might have been my lowest point in years. Which makes me think I should probably not be dating at all right now, but you know what? Things happen for reasons. I believe in divine timing, or synchronicity, or whatever you want to call it. Point is, that little joy is holding me together right now. Not in a dependent, oh my god I NEED you way, (this is the part where Karl runs for his life) just in a “I have at least one thing I”m looking forward to today” kind of way. And when you’re borderline depressed, sometimes that’s all you need. One thing to get you out of bed in the morning. (Even if I’m counting rolling out at 11:59 as “morning.”) I am grateful for him, but also kind of embarassed. I find myself constantly wanting to apologize for myself by quoting that line from Fight Club, “You met me at a very interesting time in my life.”

Thankfully I’ve been far too down to take any action a la Tyler Durden. Though when I’m upset I do occasionally feel the desire to punch things. My mother realized this when I was in the temper-tantrum throwing stage (which, for me, started around 2 and ended around 22) and taught me to hit pillows and throw balled-up socks at the wall. Which was brilliant, really. Except for the time I hit a hanging picture with the socks and it shattered, and then I got even more upset because my unicorn mirror was broken…

What was my point again? That I’m doing better? Yeah, I am. Kind of. Admittedly I still stayed up until 1 am drinking red wine and watching “Castle” online. (PS: watching murder mysteries right before bed is NEVER a good idea. Really, watching murder mysteries is never a good idea. But with Castle I figure the goodness of watching Nathan Fillion neutralizes the whole thing.) And admittedly I was proud of myself for getting out of bed “early” today. (9:48 a.m.) It’s better than noon, right?

But I am doing better, and here’s why: well, actually here’s the backstory on why: for most of my life prior to turning 24, I was a ginormous ball of stress. I was a perfectionist, an overachiever, an insomniac, and had regular anxiety attacks. The kind of anxiety attacks that would pin me to the ground in the middle of the afternoon, where I would nearly stop breathing and then call my mom and yell at her for not helping me (wonderful daughter, right here. SORRY ‘BOUT THAT, MOM! YOU’RE A FANTASTIC PARENT. Forgive me?) even though there was absolutely nothing she could do since I wouldn’t tell her what was wrong (because I didn’t actually know.) This peaked my sophomore year of college, and the end result was losing a job because I forgot to go to work, losing a boyfriend because I forgot how to be a fun person to be with, and failing a class because I forgot go to go the final. I went into therapy at the school’s psych center, they put me on anxiety meds, and both felt better and hated it.

I decided I didn’t need to be on meds, and as it turns out, I was right. But the only way I was able to get off of them was by taking control. I got my first apartment with a good friend, took ONE job as a campus tour guide, which I really liked and was good at, and that was all I allowed myself to do that summer. No stress, no pressure, no overcommitment. I made myself go running every day, cooked healthy meals for myself, and got 8 hours of sleep every night. I also didn’t  drink alcohol, but, then, I was 20 and didn’t really drink at that point anyway. Thank god. By the time school started again in the fall, I really, actually, had my shit together for the first time in my life. And all on my own. And that felt GOOD.

So when I started losing my shit last week (both figuratively and literally; missing: wallet, camera, sunglasses, pride…) I recognized it. I won’t pretend I’ve been doing everything right, (not hardly) but I started with one thing: exercise. I ran for 20 minutes one day, and 30 the next, and 32 the day after that. (Baby steps.) I bought some produce so I could cook some healthy food. I also bought plane tickets home and registered for a meditation retreat.

Oh, yeah, meditation. That was the thing that really changed my life. I started in 2005. Because even with the exercising and eating well and all that there was still anxiety and underlying stress. It was just manageable. And the meditation helped it go away. Sometimes I write about my meditation here. (Though not often, I’ll admit. Because the whole point of meditation is to not think about it too much.)

I’m still having a rough time. I look at Craigslist and determine that I don’t want to do ANY of the hundreds of jobs listed there. I read ads for Administrative Assistants that talk about being detail-oriented and on time and wonder how on earth I have managed to successfully work those kinds of jobs for nearly ten years, because I am willing to admit that I am neither of those things. I really just want to drink coffee until happy hour and then beer until bed, while I read and blog and watch Buffy.

But I don’t indulge those desires for too long. Because, for one thing, I don’t think Karl would find me so attractive if I gave up on life that way. Neither would I.  And for another, I don’t give up, especially on myself. And for a third, because I know that if I keep taking little steps toward getting my shit together again, I will.

Time for a run. Possibly followed by Buffy.

________________________________ …yes, my blog has footnotes today.

*Karl: this is the first time I’ve posted about him. Or any guy directly, really. He claims he has nothing to hide, so it’s okay. I told him I was more worried about what I might have to hide. Anyway, he’s a guy. A good one. Who seems to like me. And is also possibly the best skiier I have ever seen in person.

**IT: is currently undefined. Dating, I guess. Though for his sake thank god facebook lets you go with “it’s complicated.”

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