Only The Curious

I’m a crappy blogger. Because, seriously? I can’t write regularly. Ever. Even when I’m biking the hell across Texas and have three posts a day worth of stuff going on and so why am I writing now when there’s nothing going on and I’m unemployed and homeless and sitting in the suburbs? I have so much to tell you. Everything changed.

So at some point I will write more about the ride. And at some point I will write about the massive disappointment that was me not getting an interview to be a guide with Trek, and how to deal with disappointment and moving on when your dreams don’t work out and what it feels like to bust ass and have to give up on your goals anyway because achieving them is beyond your control. And at some point I’ll write about the thousands of things that have gone through my head in the two weeks since I got the email that said I was qualified but “not a good fit.”At some point I will write about corporate culture, and the fact that it really is for the best, and how we build up idea of things that aren’t always realistic. At some point I will tell you about everything I have learned about myself and everything I have figured out and about the things I’m thinking about doing next.

I will write about all of that. At some point. Maybe when I stop having anxiety attacks while sitting in my parked car, maybe when I’m done laying in the middle of the street and sobbing. Which I hate to admit that I actually did in real life a few days ago, because it makes me sound pathetic and I normally pride myself on being one of those people who always wants to put on my strong face and never ever gives up and just tries harder and keeps trying harder until I win. That is something that I love about myself. I don’t quit. I don’t give up. And I hate to admit that sometimes I do, in fact, freak out, and cry, and spend entire days in my pajamas watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer because it’s the only thing that makes me feel okay.

But I want to be real here. And one of the best blogs I ever read was when my awesome fabulous friend Nicole (who I have never met for real but will next month in Vegas) wrote about dealing with her own depression and anxiety. Because as cliche as it sounds, it made me realize I’m not alone, and that a lot of my friends and peers are awesome on the outside and freaking the shit out on the inside. The quarterlife crisis cliche is real. And it’s not a one time thing. It happens over and over in your twenties. And most of us handle it well and go running and go drinking and blow off steam and keep moving forward. But sometimes the crazy comes out and you just need to sit in the street and cry, and save the profound thoughts for another day.

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About four years ago I was looking for work and came across a posting for tour guides for Trek Travel. Trek, the cycling company, leads luxury vacation bicycle tours all over the world. Biking, traveling, guiding, planning events… I had found my dream job.

Except the application window had closed a week earlier.

Reading that job posting was kind of like love at first sight. I never forgot about trek, and  11 months later, I applied. I probably spent more time on that application than I had for any of my college apps. They responded, I had a brief phone interview, and they said they’d keep in touch.

But they didn’t end up hiring any guides that year. Or the next two.

Then about a two years ago I got a freelance writing assignment from Wisconsin Woman Magazine for their April issue on  “Travel Tips from the Local Experts,” so I called up Trek Travel and asked if I could interview their president, Tania Worgull. (Trek Travel happens to be based in Madison, WI, where I was living at the time.) I did so, and met with their hiring director in the process. It was great to make that connection, and I’ve kept in touch with them ever since.

Then this fall I moved to Colorado. In September, I found a great job with the Mizel Arts and Culture Center, working in their box office as the Administrative Coordinator. Despite being another office job and another nonprofit job, I’ve really enjoyed working there. My co-workers are a lot of fun, genuinely some of the best friends I’ve made here. It’s been great to be back in the arts world, and I love working our special events.  I was overjoyed to find such a good fit job for me so quickly, and have continued to be excited about what a great fit it is.  I set a goal to stay at my job for a minimum of a year, because I’ve never done that, and I think that kind of longevity will be important at some point. I got insurance in January and it was so satisfying, knowing I had benefits, a stable job, and was settling in to Denver quite nicely.

Then about three weeks ago I saw that Trek was hiring for “Soigneurs;” licensed Massage Therapists to accompany their guests on a two-week long ride across Texas to provide first aid and massage services. It was like the perfect fit glove for my other hand. I dropped Garth (the hiring director) a line, and he strongly encouraged me to apply. He said that if they were able to hire me, it might be a good opportunity to see how I would do as a guide. I had a phone interview two weeks ago, and didn’t think it had gone very well…

But I got the job!!!

I’m THRILLED, but taking it has been a challenging decision. This position is only for 2 1/2 weeks. It’s a one-time gig, with no guarantee of future work. So, I asked my current job for an unpaid leave of absence, in hopes that they would be willing to compromise. But they said no. Flat out. No conversation. They gave me a week to make my final decision.

There was never really any question in my mind regarding whether I’d take this job, even if it meant quitting my current one. But now that it’s come down to that, the reality of that choice is significant. Over the past weeks, I  asked many of my friends for advice and help, not necessarily in making the choice but in coming to terms with what it means (and making sure I’m not making a big crazy mistake.)

It seems nuts to leave a full-time job, one that I genuinely really like, for a two week gig. But then, it’s me, and I’m all about winging it, taking chances, and having adventures while I’m able to do it. I’ve had to weigh a lot of pros and cons, and what it comes down to is that I would really regret missing the Trek opportunity, and I am very confident that I won’t go unemployed for long. I do believe that the bigger the risk the bigger the reward, and that change is always accompanied by growth, and that is always a good thing.

In light of that risk, I’ve given up my apartment as of March 1, so I won’t be tied into a lease without steady income. I’ll be gone for most of March anyway, and have a friend who’s offered her basement to store my stuff for a little while. So once I return from Texas, I’ll be starting over with jobs and apartments… again. It’ll be just like when I first arrived in Colorado six months ago, but with more friends.

In the past two weeks I’ve installed and gotten used to clipless pedals, I’ve been working out like crazy, packing up my stuff yet again, and trying to get all of my ducks in a row to have my bills paid and health insurance lined up. It’s been overwhelming and scary and sometimes I just freak out and say “what am I doing? OH MY GOD. WHAT AM I DOING?” And then I take a deep breath, and remember everything I said in this post, and put faith in the idea that this is a change for good and it will all work out in the end.

It will. And thank you for everyone who has been so encouraging and supportive and reminded me of that. I look forward to sharing more about the ride, about how this choice effects things, and how it all continues to progress in the next few months.

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