Only The Curious

There were two really great blog posts in my inbox today, both of which left me feeling better about my life and the way I’m running it.

Matt Chevy wrote about focus. Sort of. Really he wrote about priorities. He talked about how time and time again he’s set himself up to do things – write 500 words a day for his book or write a blog post every day for a month – but then fizzles out well before the task is completed, because he gets overwhelmed and it starts dragging him down. I was relieved to hear I’m not the only one who does this, often over and over again. Just this morning I woke up thinking about the fact that my 30th birthday is this month and I’ve only done about half of the things on my 30 before 30 list.

He came to the conclusion that it’s important to focus on your priorities, and not worry about the things that are taking time and energy and weighing you down. If they’re really important you’ll get to them, and if they’re not, then it doesn’t really matter if they happen, does it?

I left his post feeling okay about not doing all of my 30 things. In reality, I’ve done a whole bunch of other epic things this year I couldn’t have planned for myself, and I might have missed out on them if I’d decided, for example, that I needed to stay home and write more instead of going rock climbing for the first time. My resolution is to follow my energy – what’s flowing, what’s working, and what I’m getting excited about – and not let my worries over my unwritten book keep me from getting things done. I’m going to trust that when the time is right, the energy will start flowing for those things.

Then I opened up Peneolpe Trunk’s post. Sometimes I think she’s brilliant and sometimes I think she’s crazy, (she’s both) but she’s always a good and thought-provoking read. She talked about several things in her post, but the one that stood out to me was the idea of decision fatigue, and how people only have so much capacity for decision making on a daily basis. At a certain point we tire of figuring things out. I think this is why my boyfriend and I fight the most right after work – when we’re both burnt out from the day and something as simple as deciding what to make for dinner can provoke us into hostile miscommunication and anger.

This is also why I’m most productive in the morning, despite the fact that I’m not a morning person. Being self-employed and working alone means I have to decide what I do with every minute of my day – how I do it, where I do it, and ideally, why I’m doing it. By about 2pm I’ve got three free hours and a list of things to do, and by that point I’m usually tempted to call my mom and let her pick, or make a list and pull one of my possibilities out of a hat.

It makes sense that overwhelm and overcommitment aren’t just about time – maybe there’s time to do all of it, but is there energy? Mental capacity? Focus? Decision-making ability? I think both of these posts really get to one point: simplify. Figure out what’s most important, what will have the greatest impact on reaching your goal, and do that first. Don’t let anything else distract you. Don’t worry about what you aren’t doing. Then if you’ve got anything left in the tank, you can start writing your book, or learning spanish, or deciding what to make for dinner.

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Karl* says that my kind of crazy is like my kind of “bad skiing:” totally manageable. Given that he’s already seen me at pretty much my worst (a few times, actually, I’m awesome…) I can only conclude that he is, himself, kind of crazy. Maybe that’s why it’s** working. He started dating me at what might have been my lowest point in years. Which makes me think I should probably not be dating at all right now, but you know what? Things happen for reasons. I believe in divine timing, or synchronicity, or whatever you want to call it. Point is, that little joy is holding me together right now. Not in a dependent, oh my god I NEED you way, (this is the part where Karl runs for his life) just in a “I have at least one thing I”m looking forward to today” kind of way. And when you’re borderline depressed, sometimes that’s all you need. One thing to get you out of bed in the morning. (Even if I’m counting rolling out at 11:59 as “morning.”) I am grateful for him, but also kind of embarassed. I find myself constantly wanting to apologize for myself by quoting that line from Fight Club, “You met me at a very interesting time in my life.”

Thankfully I’ve been far too down to take any action a la Tyler Durden. Though when I’m upset I do occasionally feel the desire to punch things. My mother realized this when I was in the temper-tantrum throwing stage (which, for me, started around 2 and ended around 22) and taught me to hit pillows and throw balled-up socks at the wall. Which was brilliant, really. Except for the time I hit a hanging picture with the socks and it shattered, and then I got even more upset because my unicorn mirror was broken…

What was my point again? That I’m doing better? Yeah, I am. Kind of. Admittedly I still stayed up until 1 am drinking red wine and watching “Castle” online. (PS: watching murder mysteries right before bed is NEVER a good idea. Really, watching murder mysteries is never a good idea. But with Castle I figure the goodness of watching Nathan Fillion neutralizes the whole thing.) And admittedly I was proud of myself for getting out of bed “early” today. (9:48 a.m.) It’s better than noon, right?

But I am doing better, and here’s why: well, actually here’s the backstory on why: for most of my life prior to turning 24, I was a ginormous ball of stress. I was a perfectionist, an overachiever, an insomniac, and had regular anxiety attacks. The kind of anxiety attacks that would pin me to the ground in the middle of the afternoon, where I would nearly stop breathing and then call my mom and yell at her for not helping me (wonderful daughter, right here. SORRY ‘BOUT THAT, MOM! YOU’RE A FANTASTIC PARENT. Forgive me?) even though there was absolutely nothing she could do since I wouldn’t tell her what was wrong (because I didn’t actually know.) This peaked my sophomore year of college, and the end result was losing a job because I forgot to go to work, losing a boyfriend because I forgot how to be a fun person to be with, and failing a class because I forgot go to go the final. I went into therapy at the school’s psych center, they put me on anxiety meds, and both felt better and hated it.

I decided I didn’t need to be on meds, and as it turns out, I was right. But the only way I was able to get off of them was by taking control. I got my first apartment with a good friend, took ONE job as a campus tour guide, which I really liked and was good at, and that was all I allowed myself to do that summer. No stress, no pressure, no overcommitment. I made myself go running every day, cooked healthy meals for myself, and got 8 hours of sleep every night. I also didn’t  drink alcohol, but, then, I was 20 and didn’t really drink at that point anyway. Thank god. By the time school started again in the fall, I really, actually, had my shit together for the first time in my life. And all on my own. And that felt GOOD.

So when I started losing my shit last week (both figuratively and literally; missing: wallet, camera, sunglasses, pride…) I recognized it. I won’t pretend I’ve been doing everything right, (not hardly) but I started with one thing: exercise. I ran for 20 minutes one day, and 30 the next, and 32 the day after that. (Baby steps.) I bought some produce so I could cook some healthy food. I also bought plane tickets home and registered for a meditation retreat.

Oh, yeah, meditation. That was the thing that really changed my life. I started in 2005. Because even with the exercising and eating well and all that there was still anxiety and underlying stress. It was just manageable. And the meditation helped it go away. Sometimes I write about my meditation here. (Though not often, I’ll admit. Because the whole point of meditation is to not think about it too much.)

I’m still having a rough time. I look at Craigslist and determine that I don’t want to do ANY of the hundreds of jobs listed there. I read ads for Administrative Assistants that talk about being detail-oriented and on time and wonder how on earth I have managed to successfully work those kinds of jobs for nearly ten years, because I am willing to admit that I am neither of those things. I really just want to drink coffee until happy hour and then beer until bed, while I read and blog and watch Buffy.

But I don’t indulge those desires for too long. Because, for one thing, I don’t think Karl would find me so attractive if I gave up on life that way. Neither would I.  And for another, I don’t give up, especially on myself. And for a third, because I know that if I keep taking little steps toward getting my shit together again, I will.

Time for a run. Possibly followed by Buffy.

________________________________ …yes, my blog has footnotes today.

*Karl: this is the first time I’ve posted about him. Or any guy directly, really. He claims he has nothing to hide, so it’s okay. I told him I was more worried about what I might have to hide. Anyway, he’s a guy. A good one. Who seems to like me. And is also possibly the best skiier I have ever seen in person.

**IT: is currently undefined. Dating, I guess. Though for his sake thank god facebook lets you go with “it’s complicated.”

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I’ve officially been in Colorado for a week. It’s beautiful, and I’ve enjoyed driving around, trying to get a feel for where everything is and what all is here. Yet somehow I thought it would feel more radically different than it does. Really, it just feels like my life,  with fewer commitments and better scenery. As excited as I am to have finally moved, the momentum seems to have slowed. I’m finally here! Now what?

One of my mother’s favorite adages is “wherever you go, you take yourself with you.” The external things changing doesn’t make the internal things change; really, it works the other way around. Problems, habits, ways of thinking and doing things don’t just shift overnight. These are things we have to do deliberately, from the inside out. And usually, no matter where we are or who we’re around, we’ll end up making a lot of the same choices time and time again.

Still, part of the point of moving was to instigate change. To shed the parts of me or my lifestyle that weren’t serving me anymore, and to expand into trying/being/doing new things. So I’m trying to be conscientious about every commitment I make, thinking “is this still how I want to do things? Is there a reason I want to do it this way instead of trying another way? How could it be done another way? What would it feel like if it were?”

I do want things to be exciting and new and different, and yet, I really liked my life in Madison, so a lot of the choices I make may be pretty much the same.  Of course, it’s also rather early in this whole process, and because I’ve been focusing on finding work and trying not to spend money, I haven’t really gotten out and experienced a lot of my new surroundings yet, either. Even the ones I have gotten out to are the ones I know and have seen before, and all the people I’ve been seeing are the ones I already know. In fact, today will be the first day I go out and meet some new folks.

I’m sure this will be like so many things – finding a balance of old and new, exciting and different alongside that which is comforting and reminds me of home. I look forward to exploring it and continuing to share the journey.

Speaking of which, pictures and video from my first week will be up soon. They’re all edited, I just need to get them posted!

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