Only The Curious

I went on a bike ride a few weeks ago. It was the first one I’d gone on in awhile, thanks to a crash I had earlier this summer, when my front brake spontaneously detached itself from the frame of the bicycle and I crashed into a wall. Because, you know. That happens.

I started out and noticed that my gears weren’t shifting well, so I got to a safe place on the path, flipped my bike over, and got them un-jammed. As I was doing so another rider passed and asked “have everything you need?” I said yes and he continued on his way. I thought it was nice of him to check on me.

When I reached my turnaround point, I decided to take a rest and sat down on a bench with my bike propped next to me. Another couple of riders whizzed past, and shouted as they went by, “have everything you need?” It was then that I realized this is cyclist etiquette. Lots of things can go wrong on a bike – a flat, a busted cable, a rogue caliper. (Okay that last one apparently only happens to me.) But you need different tools to fix these problems, and not everyone always has all of the tools they need for an unexpected problem with them on every ride. Most experienced cyclists carry at least a few bike tools with them, so when they see someone who might be in need, they offer them up. (This is a very good thing, considering a lot of the avid cyclists around here will go for 40 or 50 mile rides, and might be 20 miles from home at the moment their innertube bursts.)

It got me to thinking, how great would it be if this weren’t just cyclist etiquette, but everybody etiquette? How many times have you been stuck, and all you needed was someone to come by and toss you an idea, or a little motivation, or maybe even just a granola bar?

Think about how much more productive we could all be, how much faster we could grow, if whenever we’re missing that one thing we need to move forward, someone came by and offered whatever tools they have to help.

I’ve actually found the Twitter community to be very much this way. There have been several times now that I was stuck – needed help with a blog tweak or asked to bounce ideas with someone. Within minutes and sometimes even seconds of asking a question, there’s usually someone offering help, or if they don’t have the tools I need, a recommendation of someone who does. So thanks, @joblessmuse, @deerelyea, @hkoren, @SEO303, @Belle_Auteur, @your_overcoat, @gracekboyle, @doniree, @jrmoreau, @ryanpaugh, @hookedonwinter, @Lauren_Hannah, @andyangiewood, @ConnectColorado, @gratzo, @opheliaswebb, @mg, @jennyblake, @libel_vox and the countless others I’m sure I’m forgetting in this moment who have offered up tools to help me get moving again at one point or another.

Next time you see someone who’s stuck, who’s “broken down,” just ask “have everything you need? Anything I can do to help get your wheels spinning again?”

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You’ve set your goals, and whittled down the thousands of things you could be doing to just the things that are useful to you. You’ve listened to your gut (not your parents or co-workers) and you’re only doing the things of those useful activities that you really, actually, WANT to be doing and are excited about. You’ve even balanced out your schedule and held off on a few things that meet the first two criteria, because you’re being aware of your time and energy level.

And then you stop wanting to go to something. Or you consider calling in sick or just skipping a game to go do something else.

Once we’ve filled our nicely-balanced schedule with things that are fun, useful, supportive, and inspiring to us, the pottery class that’s at the same time as our networking group meeting can start to look greener. So what’s important is to regularly re-evaluate.

First, check in with your gut. Any time I find myself not wanting to go to a frisbee game or choir rehearsal, or making excuses of why it would be okay to skip this week, I stop and listen. Where is that “I don’t wanna” voice coming from? Is this just me not wanting to go run in the heat, or is it an ongoing thing? If I get the “I don’t wanna” voice three times, I quit. Because there’s a reason it’s piping up.

When that gut feeling of excitement starts to be replaced by a lack of enthusiasm – or worse – dread, review your goals. Why did you start that activity in the first place? Have you gotten out of it what you wanted to? If not, can you approach the commitment differently so that you’re aiming for that goal? If so, maybe it’s time to quit.

It’s easy to fill our time with things we don’t actually want to be doing because they’re a continuation of something we originally did. It’s important to know when it’s time to drop a commitment.

Barbara Sher talks a lot about how we scanner types often feel like failures, because we quit things or don’t finish them to everyone else’s concept of completion. Her point is that once we’ve gotten what we needed or wanted out of a particular engagement, there’s no reason to feel bad about leaving it early or unfinished. Knowing what your goal for an activity is or was will help you to realize when a particular commitment is no longer serving you.

For example, I joined a choir last fall. I’ve always sung in choirs, so when I moved to Denver, one of the first things I did was to seek out a new one. But after a few weeks, I found myself not really wanting to go to rehearsal. At first I thought that maybe it was because it was on Sunday nights and I just wanted to get ready for my week. While that was partially true, I’d been in Sunday choirs before and had enough enthusiasm to forego spaghetti night at mom and dad’s to get to rehearsal.

So I sat with it. And I realized that while the choir was accomplishing some of the goals I had for it – I was meeting people, learning new music, continuing to develop my voice – it wasn’t accomplishing the most important one. I wasn’t having fun. And it was getting draining.

But I made the mistake of not just quitting, I kept letting the “shoulds” get in the way: “It’s the best group around, I should stick with it,” “I’ve been singing for 15 years, I shouldn’t quit one of the best groups I’ve been with now,” and then there was the fear voice: “what if I don’t find anything better?” Shoulds and fears are not the best voices of reason. And they’re definitely not going to give you the best advice on how to be happy and productive.

What I learned from the experience was to act more quickly. Continuing to go to something that was no longer serving me was draining. And what’s worse, instead of quitting at a semester break or with an official announcement, eventually the lack of enthusiasm got to me and I just stopped going. No notice. Mid-season. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Don’t let yourself get to the point of burning bridges. If your interest starts to wane and the activity isn’t serving you anymore, get out at the soonest possible clean break moment that you can.

Don’t feel guilty if you quit. It’s okay to be a little bit defensive of and selfish with your time. The reality is, they’ll go on with out you. They were doing it before you came in. We’d all like to think we’re so important, and yes, people will probably miss you or your contributions, but they’ll survive.

After I quit the choir, I felt bad about the few friends I’d made there and had “bailed” on. But I didn’t miss it. And that’s the best sign that you made the right choice. Now you’ve cleared out a space in your time: go find something else that is more in alignment with your goals and energizing for you!

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Opportunities tend to come in waves, following the season for rec sports, the schoolyear, etc. Which is why I learned to only make one commitment at a time. It’s easy to get to the beginning of a season or semester and pile on five new things.

The problem with adding a bunch of activities at once is that you don’t really know things like how long it’ll take you to drive to each one, how much energy it’ll take, or if you’re even going to like it and stick with it.

In college I would join a whole bunch of things at once. But suddenly extra meetings would come up, or something would get re-scheduled, and it would throw off my precariously balanced schedule. By adding only one thing at a time, we can be more conscientious about what kind of commitment we’re actually making to the other people involved, we can be more flexible and responsive to the group’s needs, and we will be more realistic about how much time and variability in the schedule is involved with a particular activity.

When you join something, and the first time you go, keep track of how long it takes you to get there. Is there variable traffic? Is it easy to park? How much extra time would you need if it was snowing or there was a big event that would slow your route?

Notice your energy level, particularly if your commitment is physically demanding. For example, I play in a Wednesday night frisbee league in another city. Then I agreed to start working doing massage on Thursdays. It turns out that playing frisbee on Wednesday nights wears me out, especially because it’s a long drive back and I get home late. Turning around and doing massage on Thursdays wasn’t going to work; I was exhausted and sore, and not able to give my clients my best. So I had to pick between them, or find a way to get more rest.

It’s important to be conscientious of our energy, and factor that into our commitments. Even if you have the ability to get to everything on time, do you have enough time to be prepared for each commitment, both physically and mentally? If not, you’ll get overwhelmed even with a well-organized schedule full of things you’re excited about.

Balancing our time and energy is a big part of not being overcommited. You have to be both conscientious and realistic about how much you can successfully do in one day. This is also part of why it’s so important to only do things that we want to and that are serving our goals: those things will energize us, and spending any significant time doing things we don’t want to will drain us. Realistically, if you’re doing things you love, you’ll be able to do more in general. But keep that in balance too, and only make commitments to things you can realistically reliably get to, be on time for, and be fully present for.

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