Only The Curious

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. My 30th birthday is later this week and it’s been giving me pause. It’s a good time to stop and think about things, kind of like New Year’s eve. Except instead of looking at the next year I’m looking at the next decade. And the past one.

It always seems like life passes so quickly. But then I think back to 10 years ago, and everything that has happened in that period of time, and it calms me down. I have a lot of time. All the time in the world.

…which is not to say I’m going to stop trying to live every day like it was my last. I heard someone use that phrase on the radio the other day, they were saying that 9/11 is a good reminder to live every day as though it’s your last, because you never know when it will be. Which caused me to stop and ponder, what the hell does that mean, anyway?

Really, if it was my last day and I knew it, I’d probably fly somewhere I could stick my toes in the ocean, go skydiving, eat all of my favorite foods, and round up all of my favorite people in one place. But I can’t do that every day. And most of us will never know when our last day will be. I have come to the conclusion that “living every day as if it were your last” really means not to do anything you’d regret, or wish you could go back and re-do, or change. It means to be nice to people, don’t go to bed angry, tell the people you love that you love them.

But it also means not to concede the things you want. Make the choices that are what you really want out of life, every day. Live with integrity.

As I’m writing this, I’m thinking that these things sound a lot like The Four Agreements: Don’t make assumptions. Don’t take things personally. Be impeccable with your word. Always do your best.

Really, that last one sums it all up. If you’re always doing your best, then you’re already doing the other things.

So I will live every day like it is my last by doing my best.

How will you live every day as though it were your last?

Tweet This Post

This is my first post of the Reverb10 series. Each day during the month of, participants receive a prompt to blog/write/create about. The prompts are to encourage reflections on the past year and set intentions for the coming one. I’m a couple of days behind, so look for multiple posts the next few days.

___

I thought it would be challenging to come up with one word to sum up the past year. It’s been a pretty volatile year for me, and it started on a terrible note. “Change” was my word last year,  and it seems equally applicable to this year. But it wasn’t the word that popped in my head the second I finished reading the prompt. The word that popped in my head was “love.”

This kind of surprised me, given how tumultuous this year  have been. But the single biggest and greatest thing that happened to me this year was that I fell in love with Karl. I met this man who surprised the hell out of me when I realized I was starting to picture a future together. Yet, while our initial romance was a whirlwind that literally left me lying on the floor one night, telling him I couldn’t believe how fast it was all happening, Karl is not the only reason that love is my word for 2010.

The people I thanked in my gratitude post the other day are another reason. I have had wonderful friends many times in my life, but never friendships so necessary or challenged as the ones I had this year. It’s the first time I would even describe friendships as being full of and expressing love.

There’s a dark side to my word, though, too. Through my various trials and tribulations I was forced to take a hard look at my relationships with my family, and to explore what that kind of love meant. I found out we had very different ideas of what our relationships meant and what expectations we could have of each other. I questioned what love with family meant if not the expectations I had previously held as a part of that. And ultimately, it was having love for my family that pushed me to resolve issues and not allow grudges to be held or rifts to be formed.

But back to the good side of love. I also fell in love with a place. Of course I had long wanted to return to Colorado, but I don’t think I truly appreciated and started loving Denver until this spring. It takes awhile for a new home to actually feel like home.

I also moved into doing work that I love. It took patience and self-discipline, but I found a way to do it. There are few things more fulfilling.

And finally, getting through this year took a lot of learning how to love myself. How to be gentle, and patient, and listen to myself. There have been several bouts of falling out of love with myself, and learning how to draw myself back into happiness, and self-confidence, and okay-ness, and more than that, figuring out how to sustain it.

They say all you need is love. I agree. All you need is love, in its many, many forms.

Tweet This Post

I took November off from blogging. This wasn’t really intentional; I never sat down and said “I’m not blogging for a month.” In fact, I’ve felt really guilty about it. But the hiatus was part of me continuing to get my shit together. Ever since April, when I didn’t get what I thought was my dream job and kind of fell apart, I’ve been going through a slow process figuring out what I do want out of life, and of getting myself back to standing on solid ground. In November, part of this was getting back to budgeting and goal setting, and as a result of doing both, I made a rule that I always had to do all of my billable work first. Before blogging, before anything distracting, I had to get my billable work done.

It’s both a good and a bad thing that has meant no blogging. Good that I have that much work. Bad because I need my personal writing outlet too. I’ll find a balance.

But back to that good news. I haven’t had a “real” job since last March. I’ve had a couple of part-time, contract gigs, but no regular, steady-income, 9-5 job. I’ve been writing, and doing some social media consulting, and trying to “make it” working on my own terms. As of this past month, I’ve finally reached a point where I can say that my freelance work is my job, and my jobs are my side gigs. I’m just $300 short of what I used to make on salary (okay, that’s admittedly not all that much, but still,) and am optimistic about my business continuing to grow.

Hold the champagne, though. I know full well the folly of thinking that one good month means smooth sailing from here on out. I know that I’ll need to continue to push myself and constantly be reaching out to new potential clients. And while I managed to pay all of my bills without pulling out the credit card this month, there’s still a lot of room for growth. For example, if I’d like to have the money for something wild and crazy. Like a savings account.

But, I am really excited that my patience and not really even scraping by the last six months looks like it’s finally paying off. I couldn’t have possibly done it without the support of a couple of very important people, and since I never did a Thanksgiving gratitude post, I’d like to thank them here:

THANK YOU…

…Alisha. For standing by me, letting me vent, and helping me to laugh through the tough times. For getting angry on my behalf when I didn’t have the energy to care or fight for myself anymore. For going out to five points to rescue my stolen iPhone. For upholding our “no-judgment” policy. For making me feel normal again during those worst times.

…Heather. For letting me “live” with you, even though I was almost never there and it kind of got us evicted. For never judging me, and for being so chill and understanding, and for trusting that I’ll pay you back when I can and not letting rent get in the way of friendship. Also for inspiring me to get stronger.

…John. For giving me so many opportunities to sing and perform and explore new music, and for being so encouraging about it. It made me feel like I was accomplishing something even when work didn’t seem to be going anywhere. But more than that, thanks for always welcoming me with a smile and a hug, for asking how I’m doing and letting me talk for half an hour after rehearsal was done because I just needed someone to spill to.

…Zac. Because I know you’d be there for me no matter what. Even though we haven’t gotten to hang out as much as we’d like, knowing that you’re there makes me feel like I have a safety net. And thank you for encouraging me with the music, too.

…Karl. Thank you for believing in me and being there for me from day one. For helping me move at the last second, for not giving up on the possibility of us, even when I didn’t see it. For making me meet you for coffee just to make sure I got dressed and left the house that weekend. For making sure I never went without dinner, and convincing me that using a slow-cooker would not, in fact, turn me into a mediocre housewife. For all of the ways you’ve supported me – financially, emotionally, and even physically. For driving all the way to and from Wisconsin on your own, and not begrudging it later. For giving me a home. Most of all, for loving me, and letting me know that you would still love me even through those tough times.

______

Look for posts daily for the rest of December, and sometimes two. I’m participating in #reverb10, a blogging inspiration project devoted to reflection on the past year and intention for the coming one.

Tweet This Post