Only The Curious

I have a long and tangled history with over-commitment. Part of this comes from being what Barbara Sher calls a “scanner” – someone who has many interests and is constantly scanning the horizon for the next interesting thing. The other part of it comes from being an over-achiever, and feeling like I “should” participate in everything that I could, and do it all well.

I’m not going to go into great detail, because this post would be thousands of words long, but suffice it to say that I spent most of high school and college doing WAY too much. I may have had a good GPA and dozens of extracurricular activities on my resume, but I was also always sleep-deprived, prone to panic attacks, and in hindsight can say that I didn’t have nearly enough fun during those years. Eventually it caught up to me, and the wheels came off. I got too scattered, I lost a job and a boyfriend, I failed a class, and I realized that instead of accomplishing everything I wanted, I wasn’t actually accomplishing anything.

So I was forced to re-evaluate, and I came to the realization that I didn’t even WANT to be doing half of the stuff I was. And I was failing at the stuff I did want to do because I was spread so thin. So I quit everything and started to re-evaluate my life. Why was I doing all of this stuff? What exactly WAS I trying to accomplish? How do I avoid falling back into this trap in the future, as I have so many times before?

Avoiding over-commitment is important, particularly for we “scanners” and those whose MBTI types end with a “P.” Having a packed schedule can make us feel productive and important, and I’m no stranger to the adrenaline rush that comes with somehow pulling off everything in an insanely busy day. But there are a lot of problems with over commitment: stress, a lack of time for self-care, relationships and friendships can fall to the wayside, and ultimately it’s easy to lose direction and find yourself doing tons of things for no reason at all.

Over the past few years I’ve devised and honed several strategies for how to thoughtfully decide how and where to spend my time and energy, and I’m going to share them with you, one at a time, over the next several days, so stay tuned!

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My Mom is a Myers-Briggs person. By which I mean, she’s certified to give and analyze the Type Indicator test thingy. I don’t know what the official title for such a person is. But she is one. She’s really good at it, too. I’ve learned a lot about type and how to use it in relationships and professional life. It’s really helpful in figuring out how to communicate more effectively, to understand (and therefore avoid) conflict, and why there are some people in the world you just don’t click with.

MBTI helped me make sense of not getting that interview to be a tour guide I had been hoping for. All of the guides I worked with on the Texas trip had a couple of personality traits in common with one another. Ones that I don’t share. So when they said it wasn’t a “right fit,” that’s what they were talking about. Most corporations, companies, and organizations have a certain culture. Some want diversity of types so they have different perspectives. Others want homogeneous types, I guess so that they can expect the same thing of everyone and avoid conflict. Or something. Whatever their reason is, that particular company was looking for homogeneity, and I would’ve rocked their boat.

So I had my month of being bummed out about the fact that I would not be leading cycling tours of Italy this summer. And then I got back on the bike. Or horse. Or…whatever. I kicked through it and am back to figuring out what I’m doing next. Which has meant a lot of reflection and self-evaluation, because I’ve had a lot of periods in my life where I took a job just because, well, I needed a job. The funny thing is, I’ve tended to take jobs that don’t fit with my personality type. At all.

According to the MBTI, I’m an Extrovert, iNtuitive, Feeler, Perceiver. ENFP. Yep. Basically it means I love being around people and am good at communicating with them, I’m creative, I like variety and problem-solving, and I’m very in tune with others around me and concerned with their feelings. I like thinking about the future, about possibilities, and looking at the big-picture. Because of this, I LOVE starting new projects. But I need goals and deadlines, because without them I will just keep jumping from project to project, and may never finish any of them completely. And because I’m big-picture, I need to make a checklist for details, or else I will straight up forget a step, even if it’s a process I go through every day.

One of the keys to personality type is that it can help you figure out your “weaknesses.” But then you have to come up with ways to work with them. Which is why I hate deadlines, but I need them. And why I make lists and write things down, so I don’t forget anything.

A lot of the office jobs I have done in the past loved that I was good with people, great on the phone and jumping in on planning events and running meetings. But they got super annoyed with the errors I would make in, say, a financial report. (Numbers and I are NOT friends.) As I look at job postings right now, I keep seeing the phrase “attention to detail.” I have an ambivalent* relationship with it. I’m GREAT with details when I am, say, planning a party. I will make sure that the food and the music and every last decoration and all have a coordinated theme and it will be seamless. But when I’m doing rote office stuff? Yeah, not so much.

Why do I keep applying for office jobs? Because it’s what’s on my resume. It’s what I know. But I want to do something more than office management.

So I’ve been freelancing. I love that it’s interesting, full of variety, flexible, and I can do it from anywhere. But it can be really hard to motivate, and really easy to procrastinate. Or go start another project. So I need a boss to set deadlines and help me set goals and give me a reason to finish things. Also? I HATE being alone all day. Yes, I’ve gone and worked in coffee shops. Sure, there are people around me there. But I’m not interacting with any of them. So I need co-workers and clients, too. Ones that I go see in person and not just on email and gChat. Oh, and I need an office. Someplace to go. Because if I’m home all day, there’s a guitar, and a workout room, and food I can cook and things I can clean…

I think it’s going to really just come down to finding a balance for me. Either doing some freelancing and working somewhere part-time, or finding a normal day job that still has lots of variety and a little flexibility.

Do you have these struggles? Do you know someone who would like to hire someone like me? Do you need a massage? (’cuz I do that too.)

______

*The word “ambivalent” is often mistaken to mean the same thing as “indifferent.” Ambivalence actually describes more of a love-hate relationship, where you’re always passionate about it, but sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a negative way. English lesson over.

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I’m a crappy blogger. Because, seriously? I can’t write regularly. Ever. Even when I’m biking the hell across Texas and have three posts a day worth of stuff going on and so why am I writing now when there’s nothing going on and I’m unemployed and homeless and sitting in the suburbs? I have so much to tell you. Everything changed.

So at some point I will write more about the ride. And at some point I will write about the massive disappointment that was me not getting an interview to be a guide with Trek, and how to deal with disappointment and moving on when your dreams don’t work out and what it feels like to bust ass and have to give up on your goals anyway because achieving them is beyond your control. And at some point I’ll write about the thousands of things that have gone through my head in the two weeks since I got the email that said I was qualified but “not a good fit.”At some point I will write about corporate culture, and the fact that it really is for the best, and how we build up idea of things that aren’t always realistic. At some point I will tell you about everything I have learned about myself and everything I have figured out and about the things I’m thinking about doing next.

I will write about all of that. At some point. Maybe when I stop having anxiety attacks while sitting in my parked car, maybe when I’m done laying in the middle of the street and sobbing. Which I hate to admit that I actually did in real life a few days ago, because it makes me sound pathetic and I normally pride myself on being one of those people who always wants to put on my strong face and never ever gives up and just tries harder and keeps trying harder until I win. That is something that I love about myself. I don’t quit. I don’t give up. And I hate to admit that sometimes I do, in fact, freak out, and cry, and spend entire days in my pajamas watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer because it’s the only thing that makes me feel okay.

But I want to be real here. And one of the best blogs I ever read was when my awesome fabulous friend Nicole (who I have never met for real but will next month in Vegas) wrote about dealing with her own depression and anxiety. Because as cliche as it sounds, it made me realize I’m not alone, and that a lot of my friends and peers are awesome on the outside and freaking the shit out on the inside. The quarterlife crisis cliche is real. And it’s not a one time thing. It happens over and over in your twenties. And most of us handle it well and go running and go drinking and blow off steam and keep moving forward. But sometimes the crazy comes out and you just need to sit in the street and cry, and save the profound thoughts for another day.

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