Only The Curious

I’ve officially been in Colorado for a week. It’s beautiful, and I’ve enjoyed driving around, trying to get a feel for where everything is and what all is here. Yet somehow I thought it would feel more radically different than it does. Really, it just feels like my life,  with fewer commitments and better scenery. As excited as I am to have finally moved, the momentum seems to have slowed. I’m finally here! Now what?

One of my mother’s favorite adages is “wherever you go, you take yourself with you.” The external things changing doesn’t make the internal things change; really, it works the other way around. Problems, habits, ways of thinking and doing things don’t just shift overnight. These are things we have to do deliberately, from the inside out. And usually, no matter where we are or who we’re around, we’ll end up making a lot of the same choices time and time again.

Still, part of the point of moving was to instigate change. To shed the parts of me or my lifestyle that weren’t serving me anymore, and to expand into trying/being/doing new things. So I’m trying to be conscientious about every commitment I make, thinking “is this still how I want to do things? Is there a reason I want to do it this way instead of trying another way? How could it be done another way? What would it feel like if it were?”

I do want things to be exciting and new and different, and yet, I really liked my life in Madison, so a lot of the choices I make may be pretty much the same.  Of course, it’s also rather early in this whole process, and because I’ve been focusing on finding work and trying not to spend money, I haven’t really gotten out and experienced a lot of my new surroundings yet, either. Even the ones I have gotten out to are the ones I know and have seen before, and all the people I’ve been seeing are the ones I already know. In fact, today will be the first day I go out and meet some new folks.

I’m sure this will be like so many things – finding a balance of old and new, exciting and different alongside that which is comforting and reminds me of home. I look forward to exploring it and continuing to share the journey.

Speaking of which, pictures and video from my first week will be up soon. They’re all edited, I just need to get them posted!

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I write this post from a point of equilibrium – halfway between things. We’re almost exactly half of the way from Madison to Boulder, in Lincoln, NE where some friends have been so generous as to put Leah and I up for the night. So often our outside circumstances reflect our inner ones, and at the moment I’m feeling very neutral.

Leaving was hard. I knew I’d be sad, but I expected it to be more bittersweet than melancholy. I cried a lot, especially when watching my mother and then Ian shrink in my rearview mirror. The weight of those emotions only started to lift about 6 hours into the trip, as we watched the spectacular light show that the thunderstorms on the horizon put on for us. When you see something that massive and powerful and beautiful, you are reminded that your own life is but one small piece of so much more.

I had pictured my departure in my head like a scene from a movie – my closest friends and family in the driveway, all waving goodbye as I pulled away, music blaring, thrilled for my grand adventure. While I knew this wasn’t quite realistic – it was a workday, after all – I wasn’t quite prepared for the drawn out process of saying goodbye to people individually and doing so hours and hours before my departure. Many people I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye to; last time I saw them I didn’t realize I wouldn’t be seeing them again. Pulling away from Ian’s apartment with him standing alone in the parking lot, waving until after I was out of sight was just painful and sad. Not the celebrated exit I had mentally prepared myself for.

When we finally left Madison, it was nearly 3 p.m., hours later than I’d planned. It was overcast and threatening rain, and the last place I set foot in Wisconsin was at the Supertarget, where we bought a cooler bag and a bottle of wine for our overnight hosts. It was weird. But Leah did take some video which made it feel more official and important.

And then we just started driving West. Infrequent downpours slowed us throughout Eastern Iowa; once it was so dense we had to pull over and wait it out. We listened to “The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and noted funny names (Middle Raccoon and North Skunk rivers) and pulled out the videocamera each time we hit some kind of landmark. At 9:00 p.m. we were hungry and desperately hoping to find a place that would still serve us food; we nearly fell to our knees and bowed down in the parking lot of a Subway somewhere East of Council Bluffs.

Though I was exhausted last night, I can’t say I slept soundly. It’s always odd being in a place with unfamiliar sounds and smells, and that combined with anxiety and excitement pulled me in and out of waking consciousness all night. I am finally starting to feel excited this morning though. We’ll be in Colorado TODAY! It feels so surreal. But I suppose that’s how it is when you’re finally doing something you’ve talked about for so long, you weren’t even sure you believed yourself anymore.

As I move more into wakefulness this morning, the anxiety lingers and sadness about everyone I’m leaving behind still colors my thoughts, but joy and excitement are beginning to flood in.

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Okay, so I’m moving. In a week. This is something I’ve dreamed of doing for years and years and now it’s a week away and I barely feel like it’s even happening, except that I’m all nervous and weird about it so I know something important is happening. I had always pictured this week as being a joyride of looking forward to leaving, getting ready, everything like that. But at the moment I’m mostly in denial and eating copious amounts of ice cream.

It’s not that I’m not excited – I am. How could I not be? I’m fulfilling a life-long dream. I’ve even got a few things lined up and happening out there, so it’s getting more and more real by the day. I guess the joy of it just hasn’t quite hit me yet. I keep saying it probably won’t until I’ve been there long enough to realize that I’m there, and I’m not on vacation.

I guess I didn’t think I would be so sad. In the past, the times when I most intensely thought about moving were usually the times when things weren’t going well – when I felt a lack of friends, I had just been laid off or a relationship had just ended, or all of those at once. But that’s not the case now.

I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. I love my family. And they’re all here.

But I feel like it’s better to be leaving on good terms. I’ll always have all of those things to come back to. And I’m going to Colorado to pursue something, rather than to run away from things.

I’m glad I’m doing it now, though. Two years ago I would’ve left and not looked back. A year from now and those attachments that are making me sad to leave now might stop me in my tracks completely.

Things happen in their perfect time. And mine seems to be NOW.

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